There was a time when others came aknocking but I said no as my heart was reserved for that special someone. That was when the sacred space in my heart was filled only with images of the special someone. But as time went by, I realised I never really understood the true character of the supposed special someone.

In fact, there were many times when I asked myself whether I should still continue deluding myself into believing that the makeshift world that was presented before my eyes or should I begin to trust my inner self.

My inner self told me to tear away the facade and seek the truth. Though the truth hurts, it is still better to learn and accept it now than pay a higher price for it by getting tangled in a web of deceit.

Saddened by the lies, hurt and incongruence, I finally decided to let go. Life is about letting go and getting rid of the cancer that toxifies our system. Life is not about holding onto the unhappiness, pain and disappointment. Only when I let go can new entrants enter my life. And I start my life on a new slate of white paper in 2010, ready to receive all the colours of the world.

This time when someone suitable comes aknocking, I’ll say yes.

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I practise this simple but effective maxim of not ‘eating and shitting in the same backyard’. Translated into layman terms, it means not dating or having a relationship with someone from the same organization or within the same industry.

You never know when things will turn ugly. In the beginning when it is still honeymoon period, one gets too head over heels with each other to sweat about the small stuff. It’s alright for you to burp in front of me. My burp is testimony that my cooking is good and you appreciate the food, isn’t it? It’s alright for you to fart in front of me. My fart is like the perfume you spray on yourself, isn’t it?

But when reality sets in and the honeymoon period is over, then one starts examining the little nitty gritties and that’s when one starts getting irritated. Your burp disgusts me. How can the supposedly well groomed you burp in front of me? It just shows your lack of table manners, doesn’t it? Your fart suffocates me. How can you not control your fart? You think your fart is sweet smelling? Let me tell you it stinks just like your mouth.

Should you choose to eat and shit in the same backyard, then good luck. You better pray that the relationship lasts because should it not, then God save your soul. You will still need to face your ex everyday unless one chooses to resign from that organization/industry. Imagine how awkward it would be when both are assigned to work on the same project.

A good friend is currently facing the same situation. I can’t say the relationship is over for good. There are still traces of amorous goodwill between the two of them as both have been together for a considerably long period of time. It’s difficult to take a pair of scissors and just cut away the ties that bind. It is more complicated than that. One feels stifled while the other starts getting possessive. One becomes unhappy when the other starts spending less couple time together. And since both are working in the same organization, it’s difficult to avoid seeing each other while trying to deal with the issues at hand.

Whatever the outcome may be, I wish them well as they must have weathered other bigger storms before. Love conquers everything.

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After the love is over, can we still remain as friends? After the love is over, can we pretend nothing has happened between us?

I personally find it hard, if not impossible.

We are all human beings governed by emotions. After a whirlwind romance or love marathon (depending on the speed of your progress), the someone has occupied a privileged place in your heart. You know so much about your other half – the character, temperament, likes and dislikes.

After the love is over, you know we will never be the same ever again. The months leading up to the breakup is often a tumultuous one – the quarrels, cold wars, disappointments and heartaches. It is often a series of accumulated events rather than one single event that triggers off the breakup. Many a repeated attempt to salvage the relationship, you know deep down inside where this is going and how it will end.

Instead of living in self-denial thinking things will turn out alright as time passes, it’s always better to be open about it and seek a resolution. It’s better to be unhappy now than be unhappy for the rest of your life.

After the love is over, you may or will consider taking the following measures. Exorcise the ghosts of your ex by deleting all the photos you took together, blocking your ex on msn, unfriending your ex on facebook and all most importantly, purging that by now dreaded number from your mobile phone.

After the love is over, you will laugh at the lengths you went just to please your ex on numerous occasions to earn that pathetic smile of approval. You now ask yourself this – was it even worth your effort in the first place? Or were you just a fool blinded by love?

After the love is over, you will inevitably feel sad as it did not result in a successful union. But then hey who said that there must be a ‘they lived happily ever after’ kind of ending? This is not a fairytale. If even the royals (think Diana & Charles) and the celebrities (too many to list here) go their separate ways, what more us mere mortals?

After the love is over, you will feel happy savouring your freedom again.

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Being recently single again, I’m reminded of the words of an American trainer who gave a talk some months ago. He said “some of us date not because we fall in love but rather because we are lonely.”

When I first heard this, I laughed it off. Now recalling this classic sentence, I feel there’s so much meaning in it. In fact, both that trainer and I are guilty of it.

I date not because I want to fall in love but rather because I am lonely. I think that’s why none of my relationships have lasted beyond the one year mark. I just want company when I feel lonely and need someone to talk to, never mind if the listener actually understands what I am talking about.

The fear of being lonely is one of my greatest fears. Imagine living in a house with no one to talk to. Imagine going through the downs of life with no one to complain to. Imagine suffering the injustice of the world with no shoulder to cry on. I can never live a life like that. I will go mad. I need to be surrounded by people. I feed on their energy. That’s why I date. And when I get the company I hanker for, then I’m no longer lonely.

But that’s also where the first problem lies. Because my starting point is ‘not feeling lonely’, after a while, the law of diminishing marginal returns (now this is my own theory) sets in. It’s just company right? And when it starts to get boring having to contend with old company, it’s time to seek new company.

That’s when I start the dumping process. I dump my partners exactly in the same manner as how I dump my old clothes. When I get tired of them or when they no longer fit into my grand scheme of things, sorry it’s time for them to go. There is no compassion in the way this is carried out. You may term it merciless if you want to but it is vintage me. Very often, it is done via email or sms. And then that person is forever formatted from the archives of my memory.

Let the truth be spoken but I hate it when people start clinging onto me like a leech. They expect me to reply sms or pick up the phone immediately. Remember, I’m not a recruit in the army. I don’t have to report at a specific time, place and fashion. In fact, except for my army days, I never had to. Having been put in numerous leadership positions from my schooling years to my corporate world years, I was already used to giving instructions and I liked being in control. Even as a lifestyle coach now, my clients listen to me. If they are told to stay off certain foods and they do not, they know the consequences they have to face.

The second problem is that I have no lack of suitors. That’s why I can afford to dump without having to think twice. It’s always exciting to meet new people and test them out. I know in the process, I have broken some hearts, but like the Chinese saying goes, 男人不坏, 女人不爱 (if a guy is not a bad boy, the girl will not love him).

Yet, ironic as it seems, when I went past the stage of just seeking yet another company initially to really, truly falling in love in this last relationship, it still came to naught in the end. Perhaps it could be because I loved my ex more than the other way round. I planned all the weekly outings. I wrote love sonnets for the special one. I created surprises along the way. I initiated overseas getaways. I took countless photographs to remember each memory. I uploaded both our Facebooks with our dating pictures. Alas…alas…alas…If I was loved more instead, I wouldn’t have had to put up with someone’s incessant drama moods and insecurities.

It’s good being single. In fact, I’m enjoying my new found freedom so much now that two of my clients, who knew about my breakup, noticed it. They commented me on my glowing complexion and exuberance today.

Nonetheless, I think the message is clear. I still need to be in control. Die I will the day I cede control to another person who runs my life for me. I am not a chess on the chessboard. I cannot live under such circumstances. I make decisions and my word is law. And as for the next special one who walks into my circle, I will make sure I am loved more as it’s more fortunate and less tiring to be loved than to love.

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失恋的好友又谈恋爱了！可是他又有独特的麻烦。目前有两个人在追他。

当两个人同时对你好的时候，你会选择谁？这个问题我试着替他回答。可是越想却越烦躁。。。最后我孤枕难眠。

有私心的人当然是两个都想要。如果韦小宝能有七个老婆，我们为何就不能有两个情人呢？左拥右抱的感觉是多么的幸福啊！

面对着旧爱和新欢，你如何做出抉择？旧爱分了手现在又要和好。好友就是面对这棘手的难题。两个人都以他为他们的世界中心。两个人都一样关心、爱护他。

也不知道是福气还是麻烦的开始。他和A出去就要隐瞒B，和B看电影也不能让A知道。总不能一直拖下去。但要做个了断，谈何容易。

他们俩都是有血有肉的人，选了一个必定会为另外一个带来伤害。选了新欢，又怕对不起旧爱。。。反正都好了那么多年，在一起的一幕幕又浮现在脑海里。和旧爱复合，又担心爱火不再，和好不如初。。。他狠不下心，所以一拖再拖。。。

有人说就从直觉上做出选择吧！看谁爱你比较多。又有些人说就从理智上选吧！看谁比较能和你思想观念上沟通吧。

我以为人类可以活得很潇洒。但一旦面对感情上的问题，就托托拉拉、优柔果断、犹豫不决、摇摆不定、束手无策。

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I got a comment from a reader who wanted me to elaborate what I wrote in one of my old blog posts. So I’ve decided to do a part 2!!

In case you are interested, here’s the original blog posting Looking For Love – Mate Wanted.

“As single, unattached and desirable individuals, we are all looking for love. Some of us look for love all our lives but never seem to find it. Some of us don’t look for love but find it unexpectedly. The ways of love are strange indeed.”

There are some people who go for speed dating or matchmaking sessions faithfully but to no avail. Yet there are others who don’t even bother with such boy-girl socialising activities but find themselves often the target to be hit upon in clubs, schools or even be stalked. Love is a strange thing. It often happens when you are not actively searching for it.

“She suggested that I should change my facebook picture to this picture so that I would elicit more responses. Perhaps, perhaps, we laughed.”

Facebook is probably the most used social interaction platform on cyberspace now. In Facebook, you can view profiles of strangers, poke them, throw things at them and even add them if you like. You can’t do this in the real world. Most of us will freak out to even walk up to a guy or girl we fancy at the train station and start a conversation. But in Facebook, such barriers are removed. I personally know couples who met through Facebook and Friendster. One of them has even walked down the aisle.

“But for now. To be super serious, yes, I’m looking for love – mate wanted. No need to meet me at the burrow. Just drop me an email with a decent self introduction and a picture will suffice…hahahaha…”

Well, this post was written in May 08 which is about 5 months back. Let’s see…there’s no need to meet me at the burrow. There’s also no need to drop me an email with a decent self introduction and picture. Guess my current status is clear.

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I was again thrust into the role of advisor when over lunch, a friend asked for some relationship advice. She’s having problems with her boyfriend and we started brainstorming possible ways to resolve the problem.

Like a detective, I had to probe deeper, deeper, deeper until finally I got to the root of her problem.

It’s always like that. When you start dating, it’s lovey-dovey. Then it comes to a stage when you take each other for granted. That’s when the relationship reaches a plateau and you start asking the other party “why you don’t buy me flowers any more?  You not romantic any more” Or something like “why are you always late nowadays? Taking me for granted is it?”

She was going on and on about how her boyfriend had changed…seemingly for the worse.

When it was finally my turn to say something, I told her this.

“When you were a child, did you calculate how much love you got back from someone you loved? If you did not, why is it that we as adults now measure how much we are loved in return?”

In the adult world, we do not see things this way. We forgot the true meaning of love. I call it the altruism of love.  

We constantly ask one or more of the following questions.

Pick 1 or more questions from the following

- What has the person done for you?
- How much should he care so that I know he loves me?
- Are we compatible?
- Why can my current boyfriend/girlfriend just not measure up to XYZ’s boyfriend/girlfriend?
- Is there someone better out there?

We associate love with thousands of other things, using them to measure and determine the amount of love we should give in return. But sorry, there is no price tag on this word termed ‘love’. Love should just be given freely, without expecting anything in return. If you give love expecting something in return, then I bet you will be utterly upset when the return on your love investment draws a negative.

When the relationship lacks excitement, are we truely being hurt by the inactions of others? Or are we hurting ourselves unconsciously because we view love no longer as unconditional and attach conditions to it? Perhaps we are just making life difficult for others and ourselves.

I hate being frank and direct, but sometimes I just have to. I think this friend will not be contacting me for a long long time as I have shaken her up from her lovey-dovey world of love. That is not love, that is the oldest known form of artificial sweetener called ’saccharin’.

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I met up with Shirley this evening for a meal to catch up on the latest happenings in her organisation (which I used to be part of until I got transferred). After a good Japanese dinner, we walked around town and chanced upon this very eye-catching window display.

As single, unattached and desirable individuals, we are all looking for love. Some of us look for love all our lives but never seem to find it. Some of us don’t look for love but find it unexpectedly. The ways of love are strange indeed.

She suggested that I should change my facebook picture to this picture so that I would elicit more responses. Perhaps, perhaps, we laughed.

But for now. To be super serious, yes, I’m looking for love – mate wanted. No need to meet me at the burrow. Just drop me an email with a decent self introduction and a picture will suffice…hahahaha…

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I became a consultant of sorts today. Incidentally, two friends sms-ed me complaining about their jobs and the lack of satisfaction they felt. They couldn’t move forward even though they wanted to as they didn’t really know what excited them in life. To speak the truth, they felt trapped in the vicious cycle. That’s wearing them down and their tempers flare easily.

Sounds familiar right? All too familiar…in fact I felt an instant deja vu. A case of me ‘been there, done that’ I told myself.

I don’t profess to be a guru of sorts, but I can share from my personal experience. And that’s where I’m coming from.

We feel lousy about ourselves because we allow that to happen.

It all starts with our thoughts. We get easily affected by what people say or think about us. Our value is based on the value others bestow on us. If they think highly or speak well of us, our value goes up. Otherwise, our value drops. The thoughts generated in our minds give rise to negative affirmations. Even though we may be unwilling, we already allow our unconscious mind to be programmed from the thoughts which start from our conscious mind. This in turn affects our feelings. Our thoughts send a signal to our heart. That’s when we really feel in the pits.

The heart, being the seat of emotions, stores a lot of our previous experiences and it remembers a lot of our feelings – the unhappiness, the dejections, the sorrows, the pains, the lows, the ebbs, the miseries…Adding another downright lousy feeling isn’t going to hurt at hindsight of course…but when we start accumulating enough of such feelings, that’s when we feel the whole world is against us. That’s when we question our very own existence. Our self-esteem plunge a notch lower.

How do we know this? Our actions demonstrate this. We don’t appreciate ourselves enough. We beat ourselves up over minute issues or things. We get angry with ourselves. We belittle ourselves. We begin to have self-doubt. And strong self-doubts manifest into bad situations which we later use to justify our ill-fated positions. This is the law of attraction. Negative thoughts and feelings attract negative energies.

The end result? Our spirits get crushed. We don’t dare to dream. We are stuck in the same pit and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Life is good. It really is. Trust and believe in yourself. You are your greatest asset. You are a unique individual with gifts to share with the rest of the world. Without your light, the world loses a precious son or daughter. Learn to forgive yourself and move on with pride. Heal your pain and treat that as a learning lesson in the journey of life. Internalise the lessons learnt and carry on. There is much more worth living for. You are worth living for. Love your life. Love yourself

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Here are some random thoughts on what is love.

1. Love is when you walk past a stall in the crowded shopping mall, and you instinctly hold the corner of a protuded table top so that your loved one will not knock into it.

2. Love is when you cross the road safely so that you know you won’t get yourself into an accident and made your loved one worried.

3. Love is when you sleep quietly next to your loved one and feel his/her breath and listen to his/her heartbeat, knowing that he/she is real and you are not dreaming.

5. Love is when you make your loved one dinner and bring it to his/her workplace, then sit quietly next to him/her so that he/she knows someone is caring towards after his/her long day of labour.

6. Love is when you send him/her a simple greeting with your heart and try repeatedly despite the jammed network.

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