When you pulled your luggage and turned away
and walked and walked so far ahead of me,
I knew I no longer could keep up pace.
Try hard I did, but I’m still miles away…
The one I thought I knew had turned stranger
It is scary you can treat me this way,
abandoning me in a foreign land.
I don’t feel I know who you are at all.
My faith faded the day you broke my trust.
Just like leopard never changes its spots,
you will never ever mend your old ways.
What’s the point of clinging onto false hope?
It is alright if I’m lost in the crowd.
At least I know I can find my way out.

Lionel L
(27 Feb 09)

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当我们的步伐不再一致，当你开始加速而我开始停留，当我再也跟不上你的节拍，当我发现人群中只有我一个人，当我越来越不明白，我知道这意味着什么。

是感情上出了问题吗？是！是沟通上出了问题吗？肯定是！

今天收到了好友的简讯。他和爱人分手了。又是一个以悲剧收场的结局。我感慨万分。本以为他们能长相厮守。虽然没有正式结婚，但感觉上已认定对方就是命中注定的对象。可惜啊。。。可惜啊。。。

说了也奇怪，当别人爱得你浓我浓时，我好像从他们的记忆中消失了。当他们需要我的时候，才会记得我。可能这就是残酷的人生吧！

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X asked me how I would rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10. My reply was a 10 out of 10.

Gone are the days when I would rate myself a 2 (I’m damn lousy), a 6 (I think I’m around average) or an 8 (I’m good but not good enough).

I’m a 10 because if I don’t give a value myself, no one will. Some people still spend their whole lives beating themselves up, feeling they are just not good enough. They lack the experience, knowledge and courage to do what they want. Hence they will never deserve to get what they want.

I’m a 10 not because I’m over-confident. Rather, I’m brimming with confidence. Confidence is a key factor in determining one’s success. Imagine going for a battle with a “we’ve bound to lose” mindset and you definitely will. When the body feels confident, it sends a signal to the brain to think confident. You see images of your past confidence in action and you hear the confidence tones. When all your senses are aligned, it’s absolutely impossible for you not to be successful.

I’m a 10 because I love myself. Short of thinking I’m self-egoistic, I need to love myself and accept me for who I am before others can start to love me too. I love my strengths. I love my weaknesses. I love my character. I love my personality. I love my successes. I love my learning experiences. I love every moment of my life. Chief of them all, I love myself because I am unique in this whole wide world

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‘To forgive and forget’ is perhaps one of the most common phrases heard. But it is also one of the dumbest phrases.

There is a fundamental difference between forgiving and forgetting. It’s really easier said than done. How can we forgive someone and then forget what he did? That’s technically not possible.

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. We often say we can forget the hurt, injustice, pain and bitter memories of the past. Yes, our conscious mind forgets. But unfortunately some remnants still remain in our subconscious. We just need to encounter a similar incident in the future and instantly, it triggers the same scent, same feeling and same thought. We recall the past hurt, injustice, pain and bitter memories of the past. It doesn’t take quantum physics to explain this.

Simply put, a healed memory is not a deleted memory. It’s just a dormant memory archived in our file database, waiting to be recalled one day. Just like a concubine banished to the cold palace who might one day regain the favour of the emperor and reinstate herself.

If we cannot even truly forgive, how can we even speak of forget? Unless we re-programme our mind to completely erase the past can we talk of forgiving. Just like a PC needs to be thoroughly formatted to destroy all the data inherent.

Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget only creates a new way to reinforce the past and help us remember even more vividly.  We have so many anchors in life which either serve to excite us or irritate us. When all these anchors are combined, we feel the full impact of it.

I am not so noble. I cannot forgive and forget. If I say I can, I’m only deceiving myself.

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在这三天的课程中学到了一个重要的人生哲学，想和大家分享。

是走到了世界的尽头，该还你自由？还是能够把你挽留、一切从头？

人生就像一张雪白的画纸。在雪白的画纸上什么都没有。它是多么地美，多么地纯洁。但雪白的画纸一旦来到了我们的手上，就会变了样。我们有了彩色笔，就会发挥丰富的想象力。有时候我们会写上几个字，有时候我们会添上色彩。

从外表上看来，效果还蛮美的。不是吗？

但事实并非如此。

我们为何就不能一直保留着画纸纯白的面貌呢？

我们当初为何会涂上颜色？我们是要把画纸点缀得多漂亮吗？还是想试着过七彩缤纷、炫耀夺目的生活呢？还是根本就是画蛇添足？

涂上的颜色把纯白的美感给摧毁了。涂上的颜色造成了许多猜疑、错觉和不信任。更糟的是，涂上的颜色把你我的距离拉远了。思想上的距离、感觉上的距离、处事上的距离越来越明显。裂痕一天比一天严重，一天比一天明显。我们就仿佛活在两个迥然不同的世界里。心中的月光被遮盖了。后悔现在，又何必当初涂上颜色呢？眼前现在一片黑暗。

我们能从头再来吗？能，当然可以。涂上的颜色只是一瞬间的冲动，一瞬间的错误。如今我们懊悔于当时的那股冲动和它造成的不便。

一切行动掌握在自己手中。就看我们肯不肯采取行动，从头再来。

身为精明的人类，不要把那一瞬间变成了永远。画纸可以更新，撕开了又是新的一页，新的开始。撕开了眼前又是雪白的一片。

我们有权利选择纯白的世界或黑暗的世界。

但如果我们决定选择全新的画纸后，请不要再为它涂上颜色了。就让我们选择把画纸的面貌永远保持纯白无暇吧。这样日子反而会过得更精彩！

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有一些东西一旦不见了，就永远也找不回来了。这种感觉两年多前在爸去世后先领悟到。想不到今天又重蹈覆辙。

说起来还蛮难过的。

陪伴了我多年的手机袋子不见了！也不知道是在哪个地方弄丢的。。。幸好手机还安然无恙。可能是手提包太满了，它跳了出来。可能是听了手机后忘了把袋子套上去。可能是。。。不要再可能是了。。。是我太粗心大意了。

虽然不是什么贵重的东西，但我这个人就是依依不舍。手机袋子是妈亲手为我缝制的。就因如此，它代表着妈对我的爱。如今不见了，心里真的很不好受。别人送给我的礼物我都会珍惜，何况是来自自己的妈。

手机袋子不见了，我闷闷不乐了一整天。我怀念它的容颜，我怀念它的味道。。。手机袋子就像人一样 。 在一起久了，日久生情，不是说分开就分开。一旦醒来发现熟悉的面孔和味道不见了，心情非笔墨能形容。就像身体的某一只手或脚被割断，很不舒服。

天下无不散之筵席。东西要不见，不是我能预料得到的。可能遗失的手机袋子会被别人捡到，找到新的主人。

就别想这么多了。把它当做一次学习的机会吧。对人对事都要睁大眼，不要迷迷糊糊地过日子。

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First we had the Chua Soi Lek sex saga when he was caught video-taped in a sex video with his friend.

After the male species had their turn, it’s now the lady’s turn! Recently, Elizabeth Wong, one of Malaysia’s top human rigths activist and a member of the opposition alliance, had her sleeping naked photos circulated via mobile phones.

In announcing her resignation after the widespread nude photo saga,  a teary Elizabeth proclaimed “I wish to state that I am not ashamed of my sexuality as a woman and a single person. I have broken no laws. I have broken no laws. I stand by the fundamental principle in a democracy that everyone has a right to privacy.”

I pity her. Some people just have the habit of sleeping in the buff. Is there anything wrong with that? After all, she’s doing it behind closed doors.

Yes, she may be a public figure as she’s a politican. But politicans are also people. They have their lives to lead too!

Politicans need to eat, sleep, shower, sleep and have sex too!

I can’t understand why the media is so harsh on her. She’s a victim. One of her ex-boyfriends took the pictures of her. And now that the relationship has turned sour, decided to do charity by sharing her nudity with the world.

Mind you, she’s 37 and still single, she is of course still eligible to date and bed any man she wants. What’s wrong with the world to think she must remain virginal for the rest of her life? Goodness! It’s not as if she’s married and then we can label her as wanton…

I think I better make sure my nude photos are safe under lock and key and don’t get leaked out someday somehow on the internet…yieks! You never know. Anybody who comes to my house has to be body checked thoroughly as well. Can’t take anything for granted these days…

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今天心情有一点紧张。不知为什么。。。可能是最近发生了一些不愉快的事吧。回想起来，真的有一点伤感。

我不知道要说什么。我不知道该说什么。我怕我又会说错话。我怕我又会火山爆发。我怕结局又是眼泪收场。于是我决定保持沉默、话也变少了。

不带笑容的我是酷酷的。不带笑容的我是凶凶的。不带笑容的我和黑面包公没什么两样。

驾着，驾着。。。只有收音机播的首首K歌陪着那很不自然的沉默。

如果我继续这样下去，我会疯掉的！

神阿救救我吧！

有一些事不是说放下就能放下。我做不到。我是人。我也有感觉的。我也会有七情六欲的。我也有脆弱的一面的。我也需要人来爱我的。

来到了海边，也不知是什么神秘的力量，把全部不愉快的过去都洗得一干二净。太奥妙了！

渐渐的，慢慢的，那收悉的感觉回来了。我终于找回那遗失的美好了！谢谢你一直在生命旅途中陪着我。原来你一直都在，从未放开过。

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Some people just need to get a good scolding before they will really wake up. When you talk nice to them, they don’t listen. Instead, they brush you aside and think you are just a bag of hot air.

This was one unfortunate episode that happened recently and had its roots way back in Dec 08. I had registered for Course A in May 08 but decided to change it to Course B as Course A’s timing was not good for me.

I sent an email to the female sales executive on 1 Dec 08 stating my request for change of course. I didn’t get any reply. The messages I left were unreturned, my calls went in all directions and worse, there was no email correspondence. I thought she was really busy and decided to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I was like the proverbial loanshark hounding her day and night but to no avail. Two weeks later, I finally managed to get her. But guess what? I had to repeat my entire story before she started to move her butt.

She finally replied. Alleluya! I thought…she said it would not be a problem as both courses were priced at the same amount. I emailed back asking for a confirmation as I didn’t want to turn up at the venue on the day of the course only to be turned away for lack of admission letter. She said she would email the ‘official note’ the next day.

I waited. And boy, this was one damn long wait. The wait lasted for more than a month. I emailed her many times but never received any reply anymore.

Then the office was closed for the CNY celebrations. On the first day of the new year when it started operations again, I called. The receptionist told me the sales executive had resigned. What the f*&^%?!

I had waited for 2 months in vain. The receptionist then referred me to another sales executive, this time a male. I forwarded all my correspondence with the former bitch to the male executive. He promised to give me a reply.

Yes he was efficient as he called back the very next day. No problem? Very good. Send me the official note.

The next day when he called again, he gave me a totally unexpected update. I had to top up another $588.30 as the price of the course had gone up. If these people think they can take me on a wild ride, they better wake up soon!

I decided then it was time to stop being nice as it didn’t work. So I sent him this reply.

“I do not understand why I should be penalised for no fault of mine. As Harv has taught us, there is a time to step up and take responsibility for what happened.
 
Had I just made the request, I would definitely pay the additional top up fee for the new course fee. But I had raised this request way back on 1 Dec 08. Your colleague, or should I say ex-colleague sat on it for 2 months & didn’t even bother to return my calls, emails or give me the ‘black & white’ official note (see her email below). In short, she didn’t even do anything. Is this now my fault?
 
If you were in your shoes, how would you feel? I am not a new client. If you check my records, you will know I have been attending courses organised by your organisation over the years. Is this how your organisation treats a repeat customer? By making him top up the balance just because a staff neglected her duties? Or should your organisation instead be doing service recovery because of a lapse in service standards?”

I certainly wasn’t prepared to wait for another 2 months with no outcome. I suspect he’s new but he sure wasn’t mentally prepared for my response. I waited for another 4 days. Still no reply. Had he lost his balls? I really think so.

I don’t wish to be mean but if being mean means getting things done, then I will be mean.

Not wanting to waste any more time and getting no affirmation, I decided to just email the boss of the company. This is a principle I learnt when doing my service quality stint back in the corporate world. If the staff refuse to entertain you, go straight to the management. That was why I used to get so many complaint and feedback letters back then…hahaha…We call this referring to the higher authorities for action.

The boss was efficient. If not, she won’t be called the boss right? Next time when I start hiring people, I must learn from her as well.

She sent me an email from her blackberry (cool) apologising for all the inconvenience caused and promised to get her staff to transfer my place to Course B. Thanks!

To me, it was just such a simple request. Had it been resolved earlier, I wouldn’t have had this item on my ‘to do’ list for so long. Goodness!!

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Summing up this week, this has been a week of many firsts for me.

It’s the first time I’m having morning classes. Yeah…it’s been a long while since I last had to wake up early. Now, I have 4 morning classes in the week which means I have to readjust my sleeping patterns. And this means waking up at 5am on these mornings so as to be at the trainings on time! It’s a big change for me to become the lark again. Waking up is the hardest part but once I’m up, it’s ok.

It’s the first time I (this year) and hopefully last time (for a long long time) as well I had a fall. Ouch! The last fall I had left me a scar on my left thigh which took a few years to fade away. Hopefully this time, there will be no scar. It’s a mere concidence I think that it’s on the left leg. Got to apply my vitamin C serum religiously.

It’s the first time (since late 2007) I met my stalkers and flashers, consecutively, on Tue and Wed at the gym. Even if they were to undergo skin grafting, I would still recognise them. I guess there’s no use running away from such things. I’ll just take it in my stride. At least, I have some admirers.

It’s the first time Mum has cooked so many delicious meals for me in a week. Keep the meals coming, mum…I think it’s because she lost the bet. Haha…No, I think she’s more in the cooking mood these days which is good news for me.

It’s the first time (this year) I got approached by a talent scout on the street to go audition for a jeans advertisment. I had just finished my workout and was still in my gym gear when this guy stopped me and gave me his card. Let’s see how things go…so long as it’s not a scam.

It’s the first time in a long while I found myself shedding tears as the bus drove past familiar landmarks like Chinatown, Central Shopping Mall and Bugis Junction on my way home. These places hold special meaning for me. Staring out of the window, I just feel alone all of a sudden. And it’s not a good feeling.

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