After the shocking revelation that I have 9 new bags in my wardrobe and even after giving one away to my cousin who came visiting over CNY, I am still left with 8 of them.

Most people would bemoan the dearth of bags. But for me, I’m lamenting the surplus of bags.

Big bag, medium bag, small bag – you name it, I have it. And all the bags are free – either gifts or free merchandise.

Just when I thought I was presented with another bag headache, the Universe decided to step in and end my misery.

My gym bag’s zipper gave way on the way home. This means I can start using a new bag immediately I want the contents to fall out. Great!

Eight minus one leaves seven. Seven more bags in the wardrobe. Be patient, each will see the light of day in the near future.

My new gym bag

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There are some people who really deserve to be tied up, hung from their necks onto the tree by a tight noose and left there until their necks break and they breathe their very last. Shooting them in the head is too easy a way out for them.

I cannot understand why some people are just like that. Perhaps they are out to deceive the world. Perhaps they are out for a quick grab. Perhaps their intermolecular cells have been genetically pre-programmed to behave in this manner. Whatever the reason may be, I’m disappointed with this group of people. I will not trust them anymore.

I’m talking about people who borrow things and never return them. It can be a CD, a book or even money.

The borrowers often make you feel bad if you don’t lend it to them. They portray themselves as the victim of circumstances. They play on your emotions. Once emotions are stirred, it’s hard to say no.

Yet once the item has been lent, you neither ever hear from them again or they avoid your calls totally.

It’s a scenario that is all too common. And I’m sick and tired of it. Now it becomes my onus to get my item back. I’m now being thrust into playing the role of the mercenary loanshark.

Hey come on, if you are a man, then own up and return what you borrowed without me having to chase, cajole and perhaps paste posters outside your house! I don’t operate an Ah Long Pte Ltd.

Yes, I believe there’s karma in this world and what goes around comes around. If you keep what’s not yours, you will just have to pay it back in some kind sometime down the road. Perhaps I’ll just wait for karma to play out full and stop acting on my own to reclaim what’s rightfully mine.

But chief of them all, I should stop being Mr Nice Guy.

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Everyone seems to be in a frenzy. Judging from the string of email replies, it appears that the sky has fallen, the seas have parted and the end of the world has come. Frankly, I don’t know what’s the fuss about.

Yes, there was supposed to be a class gathering some time this week. It was talked about and discussed in great detail since last month. The venue and date were proposed.

After all the excitement and looking forward to it, the gathering just didn’t materialise. If it did, some good Samaritan would have confirmed the venue, date and time like the last time.

So if the supposed gathering didn’t come to fruition, what’s the fuss all about? It’s interesting reading the threads of people moaning, cursing, swearing and beating themselves up literally for missing it.

How can you miss it when it did not even happen? Unless you conjured it up in your dreams.

Stay calm. Keep cool. No sweat. I’ll just wait patiently for the next one.

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Finally it had to happen. Perhaps they really couldn’t take it anymore. Perhaps they just had to share their goods with others. Perhaps they craved for some attention. Perhaps they were attempting to protest something. Perhaps…perhaps.

Whatever reasons they had, I would not know. But what I know is that it really happened in conservative Singapore.

A Caucasian man and an ethnic looking lady (presumably Japanese or Chinese), both in their 20s, strutted down Holland Village in a 15 minute catwalk last Saturday night. No one would have batted an eyelid except the catwalk was done in their birthday suits.

Scene 1: Stop, meet & greet the spectators

Then, mimicking the real models on the runway, this naked couple did a U-turn in an encore performance and returned to their starting point to the wild adoration of the audience. Camera flashes went off continously, party cheers and wild whistles were heard throughout the encore performance titled ‘Bulbs & Bushes’.

Scene 2: Face each other & whisper sweet nothings

According to eyewitnesses, they looked really comfortable and relaxed walking down the streets which led to the gathering of many a curious stare. They brought their bravery up a level when they didn’t bother to cover their private parts or turn away when the onlookers, including many women, started taking pictures.

But because they didn’t apply for a police permit prior to the naked strut, they will now be waiting with awaited breath to see if they will be fined $2000 or be sentenced to a jail term of 3 months or both under the Miscellaneous Offences (Public Order & Nuisance) Act Chapter 184.

I think the couple really deserve a standing ovation for what they did. But perhaps they pushed the markers a little far which irritated a certain group of people. They would have exited Holland Village safely had not some people call the police.

Come on, admit it. You admire their guts but just can’t bring yourself to do it, right? You need guts to do big things in life.

Your second admission would be you too have at one point or another, strutted naked before…except it wasn’t in the public eye.

I remember when I was rehearsing my pageant walk for the Mister Singapore 2007 pageant and other presentation shows at home, I wore only a pair of briefs so as to psychologically prepare myself for the swimwear competition.

The curtains were properly drawn and nobody was at home when I started walking from the front living room to the back living room. Keeping my head straight and eyes focused in front, I too did the stop, turn, flash your pearlies and u-turn routine for  the judging panel. To be honest, it was a cheap thrill. Yet I didn’t want my neighbours to start getting the cops knocking on my doors.

Thankfully, the pageant didn’t require us to do the pageant walk naked, if not, I would really have to do it in the buff.

In my super low cut swim trunk during the Movida fashion show

Much as Singapore has progressed in its expression of human rights – we now have our own Speaker’s Corner, we are still not as open a society as compared to the West. Being predominately Asian in context, we uphold certain values dear to us. Yet, being increasingly globalised and interconnected with the West in many ways than we can imagine, some of our Asian values too have become eroded over time.  Perhaps in the next 20 years, we may have our very own nude beach ala Australia.

If Singapore is conservative, then I think Malaysia will be ultra conservative. With all the hudud laws present…first it was the insidious habit of young women wearing trousers…to now having the country’s leading Islamic council banning Malaysia’s Muslims to practise yoga, I think anyone performing naked there would probably be crucificed alive.

This is why I have been telling F & D, my married couple friend from KL that it would need a change of government before I would perform on Malaysian soil. Each time we meet up, D, the wife, would ask me when I would be travelling over to the Malaysian capital. And then her husband would add in the details to spice up the atmosphere. They would get gigs for me, they would manage me, they would pay for my travel, board and lodging. All I had to do was perform.

Counting, they have already asked me thrice. They have equalled the number of times Liu Bei visited Zhuge Liang in person in 207 during the Three Kingdoms period before the latter agreed to join his camp as adviser. But they are not giving me the role of advisor. Instead, I’m given the role of performer. So perhaps they will have to come knocking on my doors a fourth, fifth, nth time before I would agree.

I may look like a natural performer. But I think I will still need to practise doing the pole dance first before culminating in the artistic final full monty. Yes, I know the male and female crowd, just like the crowd at Holland Village, would go crazy. Yes, I know one clothed to naked gig may lead to another.

The possibilities look promising enough. After all, I have my collection of g-strings and sexy thongs. But bravery of the Holland Village couple I seriously lack. Let me think about it.

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Today is the second day of the Lunar New Year.

When I was much younger, this day would hold mixed feelings for me. I would be excited as I would have collected almost all the necessary ang pows. This would mean my savings bank kitty would grow again which was good news.

Then I would not be that excited because the two tax collectors (my parents…who else) would take an active interest in knowing the final sum of my two day haul. And being self-proclaimed tax collectors, they may just tax away my hard earned ang pows on the pretext that I was too young to be able to handle my own money. Indeed this was what happened for several years.

Mum and Dad would sit in front of me and wait for me to open my ang pows one by one on the second night. Then I had to declare the name of the giver and amount given. These two details were especially important as they needed to know what the market rate was like and reciprocate accordingly. Which grandauntie was stingy? Which auntie was generous? Who broke expectations? Who undergave?

Needless to say, my hard earned ang pow money very often, if not always, became some other people’s ang pow money the next year. Money changed hands that very night.

Then came one year, as I was older, I thought of a smart plan to outwit my parents. I decided not to wait for the second day of  Lunar New Year to open the ang pows. I would hide in one corner and open each one after I received it. Acting on my own volition, I would choose to take out a note or two from the original ang pow packet. Why should I not become the tax man myself? This would beat having to underdeclare. Subsequently, I would sigh loudly when declaration time came and proclaim that this year’s pickings were lean. To think my little tactic actually worked!

After several lean years, my parents either believed it to be true or eventually came to terms about my little tactic and didn’t continue with their second night ritual anymore.

If Grandma was still alive, she would shower me with generous ang pows throughout the entire Lunar New Year period. In fact, the giving would start even before Lunar New Year. And because Grandma knew how to play-act too, this valuable source of income never got to the tax people. Thinking back, my ang pow collection then would easily run into four-figures.

Grandma passed away before I graduated and I must admit her death had a huge impact on me. I realised it was no longer the amount collected that mattered. Instead, it was the thought and the gesture of giving that warmed the heart. Then I started to learn how to cherish the people around me more. They may be here today, but who knows about tomorrow?

My own observations pertaining to the culture of giving ang pows was exceptionally astute this year. Not only did the married ones give, so did the singles. I for one would lead the way by giving to both Mum and Dad, but now only to Mum since Dad had passed away. The giving of an ang pow is symbolic in itself as it seeks to proclaim to the world that you are an independent adult. And then there’s my unmarried auntie who gave me a shopping voucher inside an ang pow packet.

It’s really interesting to note that even though both husband and wife may be standing in front of me, it’s always the wife who gives me the ang pow, never the husband. I wonder why. Maybe what Dad once said was true – the husband is the Foreign Minister and the wife is the Home Minister? Haha…

The giving of an ang pow is a domestic affair and thus should be handled by the wife.

Ever since I started working, I would make it a point not to spend my ang pow money. Since each ang pow carries with it the well-wishes and blessings of the giver (yes, each giver would say something nice to me – be it in the area of health, wealth, relationship or career), I would keep the money inside the ang pow instead.

It still thrills this big kid that he is eligible to collect ang pows this year. The year of the ox, which started on a low note because of the world financial crunch, didn’t seem to dent my final collected amount though. Instead, I would declare this year an exceptional year. 80% gave a red dollar bill!

You want to know the final amount collected? Sorry, that’s a top secret as the tax people have long retired

An ang powful year

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How time flies. It’s the start of a brand new year again – the year of the ox according to the Chinese zodiac calendar.

The Lunar New Year holds special significence as it symbolises the start of the spring festival. After the cold winter comes the cheery spring which heralds the dawn of a new beginning.

Spring is always welcomed as flowers bloom in abundance and bright colours are everywhere. This has a mood uplifting effect somehow.

Reds on the pomegranate tree

More importantly, spring is welcomed as it’s an opportunity for us to forget the troubles of the past and reenergise ourselves for the future.
As forward looking people, we hold our own destinations in our hands. There’s no use crying over spilled milk and beating ourselves up just because the rat year was a lousy one. Cheer up…it’s already goodbye rat and hello ox!

Snuff bag decorations ready to be hung

For me, the Lunar New Year is perhaps the best time to catch up with relatives and friends, some of whom I see only once a year. It’s sad but true. Everyone is busy with their own lives and doing their own stuff. It’s hard to coordinate such large scale gatherings of the entire clan unless there’s a celebration of sorts such as the birthday bash of a patriarch/matriarch, wedding, birth of a newborn or house-warming.

Moreover, with the advancement in technology, the face to face interaction bit gets replaced by other platforms such as email, MSN and Facebook.

The Lunar New Year certainly means more to me than prancing around in new clothes, wearing a red underwear (for luck, what else?!) and collecting ang pows from relatives and friends as I’m still entitled.

My ang pows collected on the 1st day of the Lunar New Year

There are perennial topics that are evergreen. The first one pertains to relationships. If you are single, you will be quizzed when you intend to settle down. If you are married but with no kids, you will be asked to operate the factory harder. One well-meaning relative had this advice for my married cousin and cousin-in-law.

“Hope to see a new addition next year hor…” before she whispered to the male cousin to consume more ginseng. So ginseng is to strengthen the you-know-what part of the male anatomy? I thought it was viagra or tongkat ali to boost the male stamina? This is an interesting discovery. Perhaps this well-meaning relative had been loading her son with tonnes of ginseng as he successfully became a father shortly after marriage.

The second topic most often spoken about in softer, hushed tones is one’s body shape. It seems that being fat is a self confessed sin as far as most conversations go.

There are many who expressed their disappointment and resignation to their bulging beer bellies and love handles. Well, you can’t have your cake and eat it, you know. The worst kept secret is that diet plays the most important role in keeping your waist trim and slim. 

Yes, you can run, blade, cycle or ski till your quads, hamstrings and glutes go on fire…but if you binge thereafter, kiss your cardio exercise goodbye as it’s a wasted one.

For this, I was bombarded with many questions. Many were interested in my new profession and business, which I gladly shared. Suddenly, I was the guru in many people’s lives, the instant flavour of the moment…when barely a year ago, I was still a disgruntled civil servant slogging my ass off. If only I could get them all to sign up for my training packages and become customers, then I will be hearing the cash register ring non-stop. But the truth has to be said that it’s a tough job training or teaching your own relative as the line between kinship and professionalism is that thin. I don’t want to jeopardise the kinship.

One relative even asked me if I was responsible for keeping Mum fit and trim. Mum does her own exercises. Must keep her credit for this. On my part, I just ensure she makes healthier food choices and there are no tidbits in our house.

The third topic is of course related to the festive goodies or munchies as some will term it. The pineapple tarts, love letters, kueh ban kek, almond cookies, suji etc. For me, I love to eat too but I sample. Food never fails to connect people. This restaurant is good, that place is only so so…etc etc. Very often, the festive goodies is a good ice breaker before people broach the more sensitive topics. But of course, there are some direct relatives and friends who just go straight for the kill.

The fourth topic, again, is related to health. Do we have anyone who has been promoted to the ranks of the Hunchbacks of Notre Dame? Perhaps a particular grandauntie? Who looks in the pink of health? Who has difficulty walking?

I had two minor topics this year. Interesting…

One asked me if she could come visit my istana. I didn’t know I was the new President of Singapore. Since when was my status elevated without my knowledge? She meant my humble abode. Oh well, you are welcome anytime.

Another queried if I charged a fee for visitors to my toy museum. Well, I haven’t employed a curator yet so maybe that’s an idea I’ll keep in mind for the time being. You are welcome to apply, if you want to though.

Happy Lunar New Year to everyone! We are going to moo the year ahead

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The reunion dinner is the most important dinner for all Chinese to usher in the Lunar New Year the next day. Families around the globe will rush home to dine with their loved ones. This is the essence of what the reunion dinner means. You can be working on the over side of the globe, you can be overseas for studies but when it’s this special dinner, you will want to be on the earliest plane back.

For us, it’s the traditional steamboat style for us. Yes, it may only be just Mum and myself, but it’s still a finger-licking good reunion dinner.

Just look at all the good food Mum prepared…they are all my favourite. Fish maw, scallop, chicken breast, tofu, prawns, cabbage, fish slices,  fish cakes, and more fish varieties…Mum still knows me best!

The reunion feast

I really can’t wait to start the feast. Besides the food which will always be remembered, the other most important ingredient in a memorable reunion dinner is the quality company. We are eating in the comfort of our closest families. That’s what makes the food taste sweeter and nicer.

Happy reunion everybody! I’m going for mine.

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I don’t normally flare up easily unless it’s past my tipping point which reawakens the dormant volcano within. Unfortunately, it had to happen this morning.

When I discovered to the mother of all horrors that my webmaster had given my blog a surgical operation without my consent, the only thing I knew was to pick up the phone there and then.

Like the dragon spouting large doses of fire, I launched an offensive not unlike that in the Gaza Strip. Feeling naturally pissed and upset, I gave him a good dressing down.

If you want to fix something, make it better. If you can’t, then don’t even attempt it in the first place. You don’t end up with a half-fucked result.

When trust takes time to be earned over the years, you should not abuse it by misplacing it.

If I had approved the go-ahead, I would bear full responsibility for the consequences. But the truth is, I never gave the green light.

If it was meant to be an early Chinese New Year present out of sheer goodwill, I think it was done in awful taste as the end result speaks for itself.

Don’t do things which you know will infuriate others, unless you want to get a good scolding in the morning which ruins your mood for the rest of the day.

Having destroyed the outlook of my blog, you might as well send in the bulldozer next to tear down my house without my consent.

Perhaps the best lesson to be learnt from this unfortunate episode is that communication is vital. Both parties have to be speaking the same language, in the same context and sharing the same reality. Only then can they forge ahead in the same direction.

If you act unilaterally without consent or agreement, I’m not so sure that’s communication. That, in my opinion, is acting smart and then getting slapped in your face thereafter.

Oh well, guess I’ll be kept busy doing some skin grafting so that longtaizi.org regains its cheery outlook again in time to usher in the lunar new year. And I thought I could have a good rest after the spring cleaning was completed.

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My newest sonnet dedicated to all the boys, girls, men & women who have flowed from time to time…Flow!

The pipe’s leaking…call the plumber in right now!
Tighten it fast before we get submerged.
Alas the tide has come…we are too late!
Just like how birds must flap their wings to fly
Just like how the flowers wither and die
Just like how a newborn arrives and cries
Just like how full rivers must burst their banks
So too must we flow time and time again.
This is a pure act of Nature you know
Because the mood level is now relaxed
Because the valve pressure’s not at its max
After each flow, we feel so light inside.
Where all is calm, tranquil again that’s right.
As we await the surge of the next flow.

Lionel L
(13 Jan 09)

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There’s so so much much I really want to say
But oh my god, I don’t know where to start.
Perhaps I’m not really that good with words
that’s why I’ll let my hug do all the work.
I hug you tight under the stars so bright
admist the breeze in the still of the night.
To let you feel the beating of my heart
which beats with yours right from the very start.
To let you see the shape of my lone heart
which now with yours completes and becomes whole.
To let you know I’m never letting go
just like the same pledge that you made before.
I’ll hold your hand and walk with you always
This I promise you till the end of time.

Lionel L
(11 Jan 09)

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