If one lives in Singapore, one is bound to take the bus at least once. Buses are everywhere as they are a common yet efficient means of transport. Although taking the bus appears to be a ritualized activity one performs everyday, interestingly there is never a mundane moment as there is much to see on the bus. In fact, from what I have observed, there are ten notable behavioral type of personalities on the bus at any one time.

As the relatively empty bus moves along, the D-type, H-type and L-type personalities flag the bus and board it. The D-type personality is characterized by the double seat-takers. These are the ones who never fail to occupy the outer seat of an empty bench. In order to prevent other passengers from occupying the inner seat, they will never hesitate to put their handbags, schoolbags, market baskets, plastic bags, newspapers or umbrellas on the inner seat. This is a subtle but strong message sent out that that seat is occupied too. It’s two seats for the fare of one.

The L-type personality, which represents the lovers (of all ages) almost inevitably, follows 3 standard operating procedures. First, both will hunt for that particular empty bench with two empty seats, as they do not wish to be separated even for the bus journey. Second, they head towards the rear of the bus and prefer the last three rows of seats. This could stem from the understanding that the rear seats offer more privacy than the front seats for them to escape into their own world, whisper sweet nothings or engage in amorous acts. Third, the girl will sit in the inner seat while the guy takes the outer seat. This arrangement is such so that the guy is automatically thrust into playing the role of the protector, shielding his girl from other male predators on the bus. It will also be easier for him to wrap his arm around her and for her to rest her head on his shoulder.

As compared to the lovers, the heavy-sleepers (H-type personality) are not that choosy generally. As the tag suggests, the heavy-sleeper is content to be able to find an empty seat. After all, his sole aim during the ride to his destination is to catch some sleep on the bus. For the younger heavy-sleepers (who are 40 years old and below), they will try to find a seat at the back of the bus, then make themselves comfortable by sliding down the seat, locking his knees onto the back of the seat in front and enjoying the rhythmic motion of the bus ride, coupled by the incessant nodding of his head, deep in slumber. The above 40-year-old heavy-sleeper is happy to find a seat. Usually, it is the nearest seat to the ticket validator. But regardless of age, the heavy-sleeper shows a higher tendency of missing his or her destination. By the time he or she wakes up, it will already be too late.

At the next stop, the M-type personality boards the bus. The M-type personality has a more interesting disposition as I have observed. I’ll call them the musical chair players. I’m sure all of you have played the game ‘musical chairs’ when you were young. Let’s take it from there. The musical chair player scans the entire bus and having seen that there are no empty benches, reluctantly picks his seat next to another passenger. However, he continues to pay attention to the movements of all passengers. As the bus moves along and someone gets off, leaving an empty bench in the process, the musical chair player will immediately stand up and move toward that seat, relishing it with much fervour.

Having noticed this umpteenth times, I really wonder why. To give an explanation, we could appeal to the notion of comfort. True, it’s definitely more comfortable sitting alone, rather than to squeeze one’s bum with another on the same bench. But think again. Could the musical chair players be loners or social misfits who prefer to sit by themselves? Is it wrong to sit next to a complete stranger? After all, it’s just a bus ride. In the game ‘musical chairs’, the fun began when the music stopped abruptly, resulting in an unavoidable rush among the players for the limited number of chairs which decreased in numbers after each round. On most occasions, one often ended up fighting with another to sit on that one particular chair. This scenario aptly describes the bus scene too. There are many musical chair players on the bus, all eager and ready to pounce on that particular empty bench just vacated. The musical chair player basks in his own triumph. But his victory is short-lived. Just as he or she has rejected the idea of sitting next to a complete stranger earlier on, he or she has no choice but to accept the fact that another complete stranger has chosen to sit next to him or her on the outer seat, as other passengers board the bus. Alas, it is but a hollow victory.

Along the way, the bus picks up more passengers in the form of the B-type, N-type, R-type, T-type and Y-type personalities. Out of these four categories, I truly admire the N-type class. They are the nodders. In one sense, they behave pretty much in a similar fashion as the heavy-sleepers. Both sleep on the bus. This is understandable as most Singaporeans manage only a few hours of sleep each day, what with the need to contend with pressure from work, family, relationships and studies, not to mention the lure of surfing the internet and the numerous chatrooms.

However, the most crucial difference is that they distinguish themselves by the intensity of sleep they engage in. The heavy sleepers, they argue, sleep like dead logs, whereas the nodders are content with just a short nap. A nap, when taken in the right amount, rejuvenates the tired body and mind. From my observation, the probability of the nodders missing their designated stop is significantly lower than that of the heavy sleepers. In fact, they know exactly when to get off the bus. This could be attributed to the fact that they are not engaged in a deep sleep. In other words, they are still pretty much conscious of their surroundings. But the true case of admiration must be the ability to be able to get some sleep and yet not forget to simultaneously press the bell at the right time. Bravo, three cheers for the nodders!

The yakkers (Y-type personality) are the ones who create the loudest disturbance on an otherwise peaceful bus journey. Handphones ring like nobody’s business, often in continuous succession. A moment’s tranquil silence is intruded once again by the jarringly loud ringing tone that the handphone lets off. Yet it’s often very amusing because each time a handphone rings, almost every body on the bus who owns a handphone immediately reaches out to check his or her handphone. That speaks volume of just how familiar a handphone owner is with the ringing tone of his handphone. It also points to the fact that this very instant reaction has been deeply ingrained into each and every handphone owner. And it is an achievement for Singaporeans as it has not been inculcated via yet another national campaign! (considering the fact that about one million Singaporeans own handphones).

But what really irks me is when the yakker yaks to his heart’s content in his loudest possible voice, oblivious to the existence of his fellow passengers. By doing so, the yakker has in fact been so generous as to have shared the juicy bits of his conversation with the others. Thanks, but no thanks. Speak softly and keep it to yourself. We’re not interested.

A good friend of the yakker is the blaster (B-type personality). Like the former, the latter relishes in sharing what he has with everyone else. The blaster is one who would rather be caught dead than without his infamous street-style headphones. He slips in the latest CD into his Discman and turns up the volume to the maximum. His music, usually some very loud techno-beat music travels all around and “entertains” his neighbouring fellow passengers, much to their chagrin. They cast dirty looks at the blaster, but he plain ignores them by closing his eyes and sliding into the arms of Morpheus.

I was thinking, if I pitted the blaster against the yakker, who would have emerged victorious?

Perhaps one of the most disgustingly interesting characters on the bus is the thrifty cheat (T-type personality). As the name suggests, the thrifty cheat’s sole aim is to save as much as he can. This is a technique practiced by all, amateur or professional thrifty cheats. Thrifty cheats operate on a solo basis. It’s easier to succeed when one’s alone. Now for the modus operandi. The thrifty cheat has eyes only for the sixty cents button on the ticket validator. All the other available amounts are opaque to him. As far as he is concerned, any trip to any part of Singapore costs only sixty cents. He is determined to get more than his money’s worth.

After getting the sixty-cent ticket, he coolly chooses his seat and enjoys the journey. But his mind is not at rest but is placed on the alert mode all the time. His greatest enemy is the bus inspector. If the bus inspector does not get on the bus at all, the thrifty cheat gets away. It is a form of a cheap trill really. Some call it a ‘kick’. Imagine the exhilaration one feels when he manages to pull off this ruse not once, not twice but many many times. It inflates his ego. But once the bus inspector makes his kingly presence, it’s time for the thrifty cheat to act. The thrifty cheat presses the bell at once, indicating his intention to get off the bus at the next stop, even though that is not his destination. He gets up, behaves nonchalantly and moves toward the exit door. It’s all an act, a well-rehearsed staged act. Usually bus inspectors do not bother to check the bus tickets of passengers who are alighting.

However, smart as they think they are, thrifty cheats can and do get outwitted by the bus inspectors. I witnessed it once and was roaring with delight.

A female thrifty cheat pressed the bell along Bukit Timah Road and moved toward the exit door. She was the only one wanting to get off at that particular stop. The bus inspector, also a female, commanded the bus driver in Hokkien to stop the vehicle at once and not to open the exit door. She then approached the thrifty cheat and asked to be shown the bus ticket. The thrifty cheat was of course dumbfounded and reluctant to produce her bus ticket. She kept pressing the bell. I could see her coolness slowly melting away. She became a desperado, like an ant on a hot frying pan. She was trapped and was reduced to showing the bus inspector her ticket. Her punishment? She was made to pay the exact fare in addition to that sixty-cent ticket she bought earlier on. Then she was allowed to get off the bus.

How did the bus inspector recognize the thrifty cheat? Don’t ask me. Maybe it’s a female instinct as females are said to be more sensitive to their surroundings and are generally more observant. Nevertheless, despite being caught and subjected to the stares of the other passengers, you can be rest assured that thrifty cheats will not dwindle in numbers.

Once the reader (R-type personality) finds a seat, the next thing he will do is to whip out his newspapers, magazine or lecture notes, bury his nose and pore over the contents of it. After all, there is so much time to kill on the bus, especially if the bus ride is a long one. Might as well make full use of the available time since there’s always so much work to do given so little time. It is a common scene on the bus to see juicy, tantilizing gossip columns in the ‘The New Paper’, ‘Xinmin Ribao’ or ‘Lianhe Wanbao’ being eagerly lapped up by other passengers, especially those seated beside or behind the reader.

The bus is noticeably more crowded now. Generating strong glares, the double seat-takers reluctantly remove their things and allow others to take the inner seat. There are no more empty seats. Many passengers have no choice but to stand. Yet these standers are not purely standers. In fact, they are the eagle-eyed standers (E-type personality). They are all on the lookout. Whenever someone presses the bell, these eagle-eyed standers will start to close in on him. It’s an indication that there will soon be an empty seat. Logically speaking, the stander standing next to it would occupy it. But one is not called an eagle-eyed stander for no apparent reason. It’s a battle where all the standers automatically transform themselves into candidates. The victor can be the eagle-eyed stander standing furthest away. Yet by virtue of the fact that he knows how to read the signals and the rules of the game, squeezes his way pass all the other standers and clinches the final victory by landing his bum on the coveted seat; in the same manner an eagle zooms in on its targeted prey.

Interestingly, these ten personality traits on the bus are not cast in iron, but rather they are transposable to a very large degree. For example, an eagle-eyed stander might after having found a seat, become a reader or a yakker or a blaster or even a musical chair player (if the bus becomes relatively empty again). It is perhaps human nature for us to have different identities, to play different roles at different times in life.

Yet another hint at our common psychological make-up as humans is the widely observed fact that when passengers are not related, a male would choose to sit next to another male (granted that there are no empty benches on the bus). This also applies to females. A case of one feeling safer when next to another member of the same sex?

So, the next time you take the bus, open your eyes. The characters are all on board, waiting for you to discover them. Remember, there is never a dull moment on a bus ride.

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