Never will I forget this incident which constantly replays itself in my mind even after these years. It happened six years ago, barely four months into my first year at junior college.

Coming from an all boys school from the primary to secondary level, I found the sudden transition to a junior college very difficult. Perhaps, the main reason could be attributed to the fact that I had to come into regular contact with girls my age. This was something I never had to do before. Not to mention that some girls towered over a small-built guy like me.

Orientation time was supposedly the time to start socializing and get to know the other people in your class. But ice breaker was there none. Some already knew the others, because they came from the same school – in their hues of white and blue for one group, and white for another group. I felt tormented. The rest of the lone rangers, who did not find any familiar faces in this class of sixteen students must have felt the same way too.

Things started to get a little easier for me when the civics tutor paired us up to play some games. I was paired up with a girl. I remembered she was not very attractive. But what captivated my attention were her bubbly nature and that constant, almost transfixed smile on her face which never failed to brighten up my moodiest days. And when she smiled, two deep dimples would automatically appear on both sides of her cheek. Being in the same class, we saw each other everyday. There was no need even to find an excuse to see her. She was always around. Her mathematics was good and she often coached me.

I enjoyed being with her. In fact, I was even secretly delighted to find a new friend so quickly, someone who shared the same interest. Like me, she too enjoyed singing. Till date, I still have the hand-written lyrics of the two Disney songs which we loved – ‘Beauty and the Beast’ and ‘A Whole New World’. When I told her I was searching for the lyrics, she immediately copied them out and passed them to me the next day. I was over the moon.

As time passed, I felt I had fallen in love. It was a feeling I never had before. No words from the English language could describe it.

I ran through my diary which effectively captured the things we did together for the past three months. We ate together during lunch, walked to the same bus-stop after classes ended, sang Disney duets at some secluded staircase corners of the college grounds and even shared the same locker. But we never held hands nor locked lips. Well, fact was that she moved in with me into my locker. Cohabitation of the mildest degree? Fate had it that she was not allocated a locker although she applied for one. On the other hand, I was given a brand new locker which was strategically located just outside one of the most popular lecture theatres where we had our maths lectures. So when she asked me if I was willing to share my locker with her, I immediately obliged. I did not need to hesitate. There were even the best-laid plans hidden within me that could be used to capitalize on this golden opportunity not to be missed. What continued to fuel my delight further was the constant exchange of messages within the locker. It was a locker of wondrous joy.

But two and a half months after we started lessons, reality struck. I felt like a fish on land, gasping for water. Her daily presence continued to fuel my innate emotions. Yet on the other hand, I knew I could not possibly cope with the subject syllabus in the Science stream, especially my much hated nemesis – physics. No matter how hard I paid attention in class, all the concepts were alien to me. Laboratory experiments were the worst. I was always the last to complete my findings and hand in the reports. It came to a stage when I just copied the answers from my classmate seated on the same laboratory bench discretely. Somehow, it dawned upon me that I did not belong to the realm of physics and the other sciences. And there was no way she could have helped me as we arranged to be seated according to our surnames. I had to help myself.

I gave myself this ultimatum: pass the forthcoming physics common test and stay on; or flunk it and move on. But deep down inside, I knew what the choice would be.

My hunch proved right. It was supposedly an easy test. Nevertheless, I failed. It was a miserable failure which shocked the people around me – my parents, my tutor, my friends and her. It did not shock me though. As far as I was concerned, it was a grand failure that exposed my weakness early and paved my future into another field.

I had a good talk with my civics tutor and decided that it was indeed time to take stock of the situation. I asked for a transfer to the Arts stream.

She was emotionless when I told her I was going ahead with the transfer. When I asked her for her thoughts, she just displayed her dimples and gave a smile. A smile not unlike that of Mona Lisa’s, the enigmatic smile which continues to intrigue and spellbind its lookers after centuries. A smile open to different interpretations. If she was upset, she certainly did not show it. I could not decipher her inner most thoughts.

The locker was even more handy now as times for lunch cum other appointments like going home were fixed and confirmed through it. Though I was a co-user of the locker in name, I hardly ever used it. Her chemistry apparatus like test tubes and beakers, together with other textbooks and sweater were the commonly sighted residents found within.

I soon found a pest lurking around the locker at different times of the day. A life-sized pest threatening to destroy the fragile happiness which the shared locker brought to me. I detested this pest which took the form of another guy for one simple reason – he was my rival in love. Many a times have I spied on him from a distance and noticed him looking around cautiously before surreptitiously slipping in pieces of paper or cards into the locker. After he left, I would immediately open the locker and remove all traces of an avalanche of papers which peeved me off. He was obviously intruding upon my privacy, and dumping unwelcomed saccharinely sweet messages for her. His motive was clear even before I knew his name. He was clearly pursuing her and had an added advantage over me as he was also from the Science stream and took the same subject combination as she did.

With the appearance of this rival in love, somehow, I wasn’t so sure of myself now. I had to find an opportunity to test her and scour the depths of her inner most unconscious.

The karaoke competition proved to be the best chance to put everything to the test. I asked her if she was interested in us pairing up to take part in the duets section. She gave a curt ‘no’ with no explanation. I pressed her for a reason, but I did not succeed to get one.

A year later after this infatuation, I knew the answer. Her good friend came up to me and apologized for being the guilty element which wreaked my chance of a deeper relationship with her. This good friend who stood in front of me with pitiful eyes retold the entire tale. She was the one who warned the love of my infatuation to consider all the factors carefully before plunging into another relationship. She claimed she did it out of the purest friendship for my infatuated target after she learnt from the horse’s mouth that I was very much interested in her. There was a sudden urge to unleash a strong barrage of words against this seemingly concerned friend. But I shrugged and walked away. As far as I was concerned, she was already out of my life.

After the cold ‘no’ reply I got from her about the karaoke pairing up scheme, I knew that things would never be the same again. It was just the first instance of a supposedly close relationship turned distant. Could it be because we were no longer in the same class? But then, think again. As the Chinese proverb goes, ‘if love is to last for a long time, there is no need to see each other daily.’

I was right. The messages which used to bring me much joy stopped altogether. She was indeed sending a strong signal, all thanks to that concerned friend of hers who was manipulating her mind at this crucial moment in time. We could only become friends? It was then when I decided to adopt a laid-back strategy. I was tired, both physically and mentally.

In the meantime, my rival predator was out in full force to snare his prey. He could be often found finding some excuses to get close to her, whether it be to discuss contents of the lecture or to borrow her notes. I saw it all but chose to remain inactive, choosing not to pursue an immediate contingency plan. Whatever will be, will be. That’s a sure thing. If she’s destined to be mine, fate will send her forth to me. If not, then let it be. After all, life goes on.

Two weeks later, I sniffed the smell of triumphant victory on his part in the air. He was winning this human tug of war. I think she must have been upset with me for not initiating any positive actions. It became more obvious when I found them sticking together in the canteen, library or study rooms.

Interestingly, it was also around this time when I chanced upon her one day at the college carpark with another Chinese guy who came with a bouquet of roses. That guy was rich, but not good-looking. She got into his car and they drove off. Another prospective suitor? The competition is heating up, for sure.

It did not take long for me to reflect upon the events of the past four months and how things have not exactly turned up in my favour. I decided to be gallant and back out of the competition.

I caught up with her a few days later and announced my decision to move out of the locker. The locker, which once proved to be a nest of innocent puppy love that brought me much joy now irked me so. In fact, it was sticking out like a sore thumb, reminding me of the unhappy events which repeatedly unfold themselves in my mind. Misinterpreting my words and intention, she apologized sheepishly for having dominated the locker all along. She added that if either one had to move out, she should have been the one. I told her not to bother and dropped the second locker key which was in my possession into the locker later that day.

I did not want to have anything to do with her anymore. This was not mutual love but rather infatuation on my part. She never did once reciprocate and I, the giver, was really weary of giving. Enough was enough.

I did not know if he shifted into the locker with her, but I couldn’t be bothered. It was none of my concern. Thinking back, I think I was real silly. I even took pains to avoid her totally in school. If she was heading towards my direction, I would choose to take another route to get to my destination, even though it meant having to walk a longer distance.

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Two months later, a sensational story in the Sin Ming Wan Pao (a daily night edition of the local Chinese newspapers) spread through the college grounds with much fervor and excitement. Photocopies of the article were distributed in the lecture theatres and others stuck on the noticeboards. It had to be scandalous, I thought.

After I read the article, I knew the reason for the sensation. It had to do with her. She was the protagonist in the tragedy. The lead actress in this self directed tragedy. It was an act with several scenes fit to be serialized into a soap drama.

Two evenings ago, she and my ex-rival were walking towards a block of flats in Yishun with the latter acting as an escort. She was attending her piano lessons at that particular block of flats on the fourteenth floor.

But even before they could get into the lift, they were cornered by that Chinese guy whom I saw in the college some time back. His identity was now made known. He was an Indonesian Chinese who came to Singapore to study. He was her first boyfriend. Being rich, he showered her with expensive gifts and they were together for about three years. In fact, she was still with him even during my self imagined courtship period at college.

When this Indonesian Chinese boy knew of her change of heart and the existence cum constant persistence of my ex-rival, he was heartbroken.

At the bottom of the block of flats, he gave her an ultimatum. She was to choose only one guy. She did not hesitate and told him her choice. He was not her choice. My ex-rival was the one she chose. He could not believe his ears and she repeated the answer again. She was seeing him only for his wealth.

Failing to keep her with him even though they had been together for three years, he told her crudely to return him all the gifts he had given her during their courtship days. She said ‘no’. Perhaps it is true. A gift once given should not be retrieved.

Failing in this second attempt, he handed over his identification card to her and told her to take care.

She and her publicly announced new boyfriend then proceeded to take the lift up to the fourteenth floor for her piano lesson.

Two hours later. The piano lesson has ended. Chatting happily, hand-in-hand, they take the lift down. The lift door opens…they walk out.

They see a group of people surrounding the grass patch below the block of flats. The victim is lying in a small pool of blood, face down. It is a case of suicide. The victim had jumped off the HDB rooftop. It was a successful suicide.

Walking towards the grass patch, she lets out a scream. She knows the victim. He is none other than the Chinese Indonesian boy, her first boyfriend. He must have jumped as a consequence of her change of heart.

That very night, the police came knocking on her door in Thomson. They asked for her. She knew the reason for their presence. She handed over the identity card of the dead first boyfriend and answered some questions.

At the funeral, she was there too. But she did not cry. There were no tears at all. I wondered why. Could she have already cried her heart out the night before? I doubted so. As I said before, she was an enigmatic figure. You never knew what she was thinking of.

He jumped because he was heartbroken. He jumped because of her change of heart. He jumped because he decided the world had come to an end. He jumped because he knew he had lost her forever. He jumped because…

Jerked out of my inner most thoughts by my classmate, I crushed the photocopied article and threw it into the nearest trash bin. Lesson time.

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I saw her a few days later after the incident. She is still as bubbly in nature as before and that smile remains on her face. It seems that that incident did not have any effect nor bearing on her.

She knows that her college mates are gossiping about her and her fickle-mindedness which cost one life. Yet she does not care. What is she really like?

Sometimes, I really shudder to think what would have happened to me had I continued this relationship with her. I could have been her next victim.

Author: Lionel L (14 December 1999)

 

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